86 Bottles of Beer
by Kristen Bealer
Summary: Kevin Thompson, CONTROL Agent 86, is all that prevents KAOS from succeeding in its many plots for world domination. God help us all. A parody of the TV show 'Get Smart.'
1. Do I Have to Paint You a Picture?

**Do I Have to Paint You a Picture?**

By Kristen Bealer

o O o

The suave, dark-haired man parked his Jeep on the street, hopped out, and quickly headed inside the nondescript brick building. Striding confidently through one set of security doors after another, he finally reached the phone booth at the end of the hallway and entered it. He pressed a short sequence of numbers and prepared himself, as he always did, for the sudden drop that followed.

It was just another day at work for Kevin Thompson, CONTROL agent number 86.

"Hey, Chief!" Kevin greeted his boss as he strode into the office. "What's new?"

"Bad news, 86," CONTROL Chief DeMartino replied. "It looks like those _miscreants_ at KAOS are at it again."

"No problem," Kevin assured him. "Just give me the details and before you know it, everything will be under control. Get it? Because-"

"Here's the situation, 86," DeMartino interrupted. He'd given up reminding Kevin that he made that exact same joke every day, and had learned it was better both for time management and his own blood pressure if he simply ignored it. "Artwork from all over the world has been disappearing, and we're _positive_ it's the work of KAOS. Name an artist, and I _guarantee_ they've stolen at least one of their works."

Kevin stared at the Chief. "Do I have to name one?"

"No. But I need you to start _investigating_ before any more artwork goes missing. Now, I-"

"Michelangelo!" he suddenly exclaimed.

"What?"

"He was an artist, right? I remember because he was one of those turtle guys."

The Chief sighed. "That's _fantastic_, 86. I'm sure your keen artistic _knowledge_ will be an asset on this case. But just on the _slight_ chance you need some assistance, I've assigned you a new partner."

"Don't I have a partner already?"

"Your _previous_ partner quit after your most recent case," explained the Chief. He silently added, _In frustration. Just like the partner before that. And the partner before that. And every other partner you've ever had._ Leaning over his desk, he pressed an intercom button and said, "Agent 99, please come in."

Kevin protested, "You know, Chief, I don't think I really need a partner. I mean, all my other partners just got in the way, anyhow." He leaned against the edge of the desk. "They were always, like, 'Don't stick bullets in your nose,' or 'Stop telling hot chicks you're a secret agent,' or 'Oh my God you maniac you're going to get us both killed!'" He shrugged and grinned. "I think I'd be better off like one of those lone wolfman types, you know?"

The office door opened and a woman walked in. One hand twirled a lock of long blond hair around her finger while the other rested on her hip. Kevin's eyes couldn't help wandering as he took in the stiletto boots, skin-tight leather pants, and silk blouse unbuttoned to reveal a significant amount of cleavage.

He nearly fell off the Chief's desk. "Awroooo," he whispered, unable to move.

The Chief rolled his eyes. "I'd like to introduce Agent 99."

Kevin broke out of his trance and chuckled. "Aw, I wish I'd met you thirty agents ago," he said with a raised eyebrow. "'Cause then we-"

With two lightning-fast steps, Agent 99 was standing directly in front of him. Leaning in close, she fixed him with a glare that froze him in place once more. "You were saying?" she asked in a voice that could have sliced diamonds.

"N-nothing!"

"Great!" she squeaked in a suddenly perky voice. "Now, let's go kick some KAOS butt!"

The Chief decided to pretend he hadn't seen anything, but filed away the image of his most irritating agent cowering in terror to enjoy later. "I would _suggest_ you begin by checking out the Art in the Park event going on this weekend. Keep an eye out for suspicious activity, but be _careful_. KAOS will be expecting us to investigate, so I'm sure they'll be waiting to attack. You'll be putting your very _lives_ on the line."

Kevin looked at his partner with a mixture of awe and fear. "And...loving it."

o O o

At the park, Kevin and 99 wandered past many booths displaying amateur artwork as they searched for clues.

"Oh, look at those clamshell mice!" Agent 99 exclaimed.

He turned quickly. "What did you find?" he asked. "Are they stolen? Is someone hiding drugs in them? Are they weapons in disguise?"

"No, silly." She held up a clamshell doctor. "I think they're cute!"

"Yo." An artist at a nearby booth waved them over.

"Agent 11?" Kevin asked. "Chief didn't tell us you were working undercover here."

The agent, Jane Lane, shrugged. "I volunteered for the mission, since I'm also selling my artwork. Turns out I can make more money doing this than I do working at CONTROL. If it wasn't for the opportunity to wield deadly weapons, I'd probably quit."

"Anything to report?" he asked.

"Just the latest missing work," she said, handing them a photograph of a painting. "Apparently KAOS got their hands on a Georgia O'Keefe."

"They've started _kidnapping_ people?" 99 exclaimed, horrified.

"No, they-" Jane stopped and looked at 99, then at Kevin. "Do either of you actually know anything about art?"

"Duh. Michelangelo, Leonardo, Raffle, and Don't Tell-o ," he recited proudly. "I remembered all four!"

Shaking her head, Jane replied, "You might want to find someone who knows more about art than you." She added under her breath, "Like a preschooler. Or a brick wall."

"Oh, I know!" 99 said. "My dad collects lots of art. I bet he can help us!"

Before Kevin could respond, the agents were startled by the sound of gunfire. The art show dissolved into bedlam as people fled, screaming. Kevin suddenly cried out in pain, then staggered and dropped to his knees. Jane and 99 looked down in horror at the red stain spreading across his chest.

"Kevin!" 99 cried, catching him as he dropped to the ground.

"I'm hit," he gasped. "KAOS finally got me."

"Don't say that," 99 cautioned, examining his chest for the wound.

He feebly shook his head as his breaths grew ragged. "Tell Chief...I'm sorry I forgot...to feed his goldfish...while he was on vacation..."

Agent 99 frowned as she ran her hand along Kevin's shirt in search of bullet holes.

"And tell him...I'm sorry I never...walked his dog...when he was away...on that business trip..."

After a moment, 99 sniffed suspiciously at the red liquid on her hands and her eyes widened in surprise.

"And I'm sorry...I accidentally locked his cat...in the closet...while he was visiting...his parents in Florida..."

"You're not wounded, 86," 99 informed him as she stood up. "It's just red paint."

"What?" he said, sitting upright. "Cool! I've bested KAOS once again!"

Jane murmured, "Who says it was KAOS? Maybe the ASPCA is getting aggressive."

As she helped Kevin to his feet, 99 said, "Looks like whoever it was is long gone now. This must have been a warning, but next time we may not be so lucky."

"Lucky?" cried Jane. "Look at what they've done to my paintings!"

Kevin and 99 looked sympathetically at the agent's booth, where the paintball guns had left canvases coated in splattered primary colors. "Still," argued Kevin, "at least we're still alive, right?"

"I'd rather be dead," she groaned. "All that careful work, ruined! And I was really proud of that jungle landscape, too. Do you have any idea how long it took me to get the poacher's entrails to look just right?"

As Jane grieved the loss of her "children," the other two agents moved on in search of 99's father and whatever help he could offer.

o O o

Agent 99 opened the door and walked into her father's house, motioning for Kevin to follow. "So, you're bringing me home to meet the folks already, huh?" he asked suggestively.

She ignored him. "Come on, let's see if my dad is here."

They entered the living room and saw it was empty. As 99 turned to look in another room, she glanced over at one of the walls and gasped. "Oh, no!"

"What is it?" he asked. "I mean, okay, the wallpaper is kind of ugly, but-"

"The painting," 99 interrupted, holding up the photograph Jane had given them. "The one that was just stolen-my dad has it!"

"Oh, that's good," he replied, relieved. "Then it wasn't really missing, after all. Chief'll be happy to hear it!"

Agent 99 looked at him with tear-filled eyes and shook her head. "I can't believe the thief is my own father!" she squeaked miserably. "I never would have suspected-oh!"

Kevin turned to see what had startled her and saw a middle-aged man enter the room. "Hi there, sweetheart," the man said to 99. "I didn't hear you come in."

Quickly blinking away her tears and putting on a smile, 99 said, "We just came by for a visit. Um, when did you get this painting? I haven't seen it here before."

"Oh, that? I just picked it up the other day from a place called Gary's Gallery. It's all right, although I thought the sunflowers looked a little-"

"You bought it from a gallery?" 99 asked, relieved. "Oh, that's nice. We should probably get going. Talk to you later!"

As she began pulling him toward the door, Kevin turned back to 99's father. "This is a really nice house. Listen, if you ever need a house-sitter..."

"He's fine!" 99 snapped. She continued to guide him toward the exit, muttering, "He doesn't have any pets for you to neglect, anyway."

As the two got into Kevin's Jeep and pulled away from the house, 99 said, "I'm sure Gary's Gallery is the key to all of this. We'll have to check it out, but by now they're probably onto us. We can't just walk in and search the place, you know?"

Kevin grinned. "No problem! We'll just go in disguise. I'm an expert at undercover missions."

o O o

Gary looked up from his paperwork to see a young couple in extravagant clothing enter his gallery. The woman was wearing oversized sunglasses with a scarf over her hair while the man sported a ridiculously large mustache and a floppy hat.

"Can I help you?" he asked, slightly puzzled.

"Hello!" the man said in a stiff, formal voice. "We are a newlywed couple who are decorating their new house and would like to buy some artwork from your fine establishment!"

"No questions asked," the woman added, smiling brightly.

"Yes!" agreed the man. "Even if the artwork was obtained through criminal activity, we will be happy to purchase it because we are decorating our new house as newlyweds!"

Gary stared at the couple for a moment before shrugging. "Why don't we step into the back room and I can show you some of our more...special items," he said, unlocking a door and opening it.

All three entered, and the young couple gazed in wonder at all of the paintings hanging on the walls.

"This is our more exclusive gallery," Gary explained. "It's reserved for private collectors who desire unique pieces that they may not be able to obtain publicly."

"Oh," the man said knowingly. "You mean like porno, right?"

"I-What? No!" Gary sputtered. "I'm talking about priceless masterpieces. Original works painted by the greats, which aren't usually available for sale. If there's a particular work of art that you've longed to own, I'm sure we can help you get it. Go ahead, name any artist you like."

The man opened his mouth to speak, but the woman elbowed him and he closed it again. "No turtles!" she hissed. Gary chose to view their odd behavior as charmingly eccentric.

Looking around the room, the man suddenly laughed. "Hey, man, it's okay. There's nothing wrong with selling porno stuff, so you don't have to lie about it." He picked up a large package wrapped in brown paper. "I mean, everyone knows porno always comes wrapped in stuff like this!"

"Wait, don't-" Before Gary could stop him, the man had torn away the brown paper to reveal several canvases.

The woman looked at them and said, "That's the sunflower painting we saw at my dad's house!"

"Yeah, and so is this one," said the man, looking at the next canvas. He looked at the rest of the stack. "And this one, too! All of them are the sunflower picture!"

Now sweating, Gary stammered as he tried to come up with a plausible explanation. "Of course...ah, that is...well, some of..."

"It's all right, Gary," said a tall woman who stepped out of the shadows. "Don't bother trying to explain the copies. These people won't be leaving this place alive, anyway." She raised her hand to reveal a pistol, now pointed at the couple. "Isn't that right, Mr. Thompson?"

"Claire Defoe?" exclaimed Agent 99 as Gary searched the agents and relieved them of their guns. "But aren't you a high school teacher?"

Defoe snorted. "Only as a cover. In private I'm a KAOS agent, art thief, and mastermind of the greatest counterfeiting ring in history. Do you really think it's possible to earn a living on a _teacher's_ salary?"

Kevin slapped a hand to his forehead. "Of course!" he cried. "It's so simple! You stole all of those famous paintings, but you stole them several times each so you could sell more than one!"

Gun still pointed at the agents, Defoe frowned at him. "What part of 'counterfeiting' didn't you get?" she asked.

"Um...the part where you said 'counterfeiting?'" he asked in reply.

She sighed. "I stole the paintings, then painted copies of them. Now I can pass the fakes off as real and sell as many of them as I want on the black market. No one who buys them will dare take them to be inspected, and even if they figure it out, they can't tell the authorities without implicating themselves."

Kevin's brow was furrowed. "So...why did you steal the paintings if you were just going to sell fakes anyway?"

Defoe rolled her eyes. "Who's going to buy the Mona Lisa from Gary's Gallery if the original is still in Paris?"

"Someone who hates to travel?"

She spoke slowly. "I stole the paintings so that everyone who buys a fake will think they've paid for the real thing. In theory, I could make billions off a single Rembrandt."

"Wait, so you're going to sell toothpaste?"

Gary snickered as Defoe stared incredulously. "You...really don't know anything about art, do you?"

Kevin crossed his arms. "I'll have you know I studied all of the major artists for many years before I became a CONTROL agent."

Defoe sneered. "I find that very hard to believe."

"Would you believe I have several books on the subject?"

She shook her head, bemused.

"What if I said I watched a lot of relevant Saturday morning cartoons when I was a kid?"

Before she could respond, Defoe was tackled by 99, who had taken advantage of the distraction to sneak behind her. Defoe was knocked to the floor, but she kept hold of her gun as 99 grabbed her wrist with both hands and tried to force her to drop it.

Reacting quickly, Kevin grabbed an open paint can and swung it toward Gary, coating the other man in bright orange paint. Temporarily blind, Gary was left vulnerable as Kevin picked up a nearby easel and brought it down on his head.

Meanwhile, both women had staggered to their feet. Standing behind the KAOS agent, 99 managed to point the gun toward the ceiling with one hand as she tried to get Defoe into a choke hold with her other arm. Defoe head-butted her with a grunt, knocking the two women apart and allowing her to turn the gun back on 99.

Dazed but still conscious, Gary groped for a weapon and finally came across a piece of discarded canvas. Leaping forward, he threw it over Kevin's head from behind and wrapped his arms around the agent to prevent him from being able to either see or move.

Just as Defoe pulled her trigger, 99 dropped down out of the way to dodge and then swung her leg around to trip the KAOS agent. The gun flew from Defoe's hand and both women scrambled to retrieve it. Defoe reached it first, whirling to face 99 and hold her at bay.

Kevin, still trapped by the canvas, threw himself backward to slam Gary against a nearby wall. Freeing himself from the fabric, Kevin quickly pulled the confiscated guns from the other man's pockets before he could recover.

Holding both guns on the KAOS agents, he called out, "Hold it!" As Defoe surrendered, 99 snatched the gun and kept it trained on her.

"Great job, 86!" 99 commended her partner. "If you hadn't kept them distracted by pretending to be stupid, I would never have been able to get the drop on Defoe. How did you come up with so many ridiculous questions?"

To his credit, Kevin only hesitated for a moment. "Just one of my many skills as a highly trained secret agent."

o O o

Back at CONTROL headquarters, 99 leaned against a corner of the Chief's desk while Kevin paced the room and explained the details of the KAOS plot to the Chief.

"...so when the fight was over, 99 and I looked at the canvas Gary had pinned me with and saw he'd gotten orange paint all over it. It actually looked kind of cool-like one of those subtract paintings. I'm thinking of framing it and hanging it in my apartment."

The Chief nodded his approval. "Excellent work," he congratulated the pair. "I never fail to be _amazed_ when an agent of your _quality_ manages to solve case after case."

"It was truly astonishing to see it happen," 99 agreed with a slight smirk at the Chief.

"Well," Kevin said. "The paintings are all on their way back to their rightful places, and two more KAOS agents are behind bars where they belong. It's yet another triumph for CONTROL!"

"Thanks to both of you," replied the Chief. "So, does this mean you are _willing_ to work together as _partners_?"

The question was directed mostly at 99, but Kevin answered first. "No doubt about it, Chief. We make an awesome team!"

Agent 99 laughed and nodded. "I have to say, he makes missions...interesting. I'm in!"

"Great!" said the Chief, relieved. "Now, I'll be out of town attending a _conference_ in Chicago next week. Agent 86, do you think-"

"You don't even have to ask," Kevin interrupted. "No problem!"

As Kevin left the office, Agent 99 leaned over toward the Chief. "Why on Earth would you still ask him to house-sit after everything he's done?"

The Chief's eyes widened. "He's been _house-sitting_ for me?"

o O o

Thanks to RLobinske for beta reading.


	2. The Weed of Crime Bears Glitter Fruit

**The Weed of Crime Bears Glitter Fruit**

by Kristen Bealer

o O o

Kevin Thompson, CONTROL Agent 86, sauntered into the Chief's office and leaned against the desk. "I came here as soon as I got your message. What's the emergency?"

The Chief held up a hand, expression even grimmer than usual. "Wait until your _partner_ arrives," he replied. "This is very important, and you'll _both_ need to hear it."

"Aww, but now I'm curious! Can't I at least have a hint?"

The Chief stared at him incredulously. "This isn't a _game_, 86!"

"Okay," Kevin said with a nod. "It's not about a game. Is it related to some other kind of activity? Like a concert or a party?"

"Enough of your foolishness! This _matter_ is deadly serious!"

"So it probably doesn't have anything to do with a picnic, either," Kevin mused. "Hmmm, deadly...oh! What about vegetable stands? One time my cousin got really bad food poisoning from an iffy cucumber he bought from this guy selling vegetables by the highway, and he spent about three days in the bathroom. He didn't die, but you should have smelled the-"

The door opened and Kevin's partner, Agent 99, walked in. "Thank _God_!" cried the Chief.

Agent 99 blinked in surprise at the intensity of his words. "Wow! Things must be even worse than I expected!"

"You have no idea," muttered the Chief. Louder, he continued, "I'm glad you're both here. Earlier today, we discovered that various people all over the country are exhibiting _irrational_ behavior. We've figured out that the phenomenon is caused by some kind of hallucinogenic _fruit_, but we have yet to determine how or why this is happening. The one thing we _do_ know is that KAOS _must_ be behind it!"

"Fruit!" Kevin exclaimed. He held his thumb and index finger slightly apart. "Missed it by that much!"

Ignoring him, 99 said, "We're on it, Chief. We won't let you down!"

"I hope not," the Chief replied. "But you'll need to be discreet-the _last_ thing we want is for KAOS to know we're onto them. Now, just in case you need _help_, I've got something that might be useful." He opened his office door and gestured for them to follow.

The Chief continued to explain the case as he led them to a laboratory within CONTROL headquarters, in which stood a short Asian woman with glasses. "Agents 86 and 99," he said, "allow me to _introduce_ you to Dr. Li."

"Welcome," trilled the doctor pleasantly. "I've only been assisting this aaadmirable institution for a short time, but I have already begun putting together several devices that I think you'll find invaluable in your work!"

"_In_valuable?" asked the Chief. "Judging by the charges in your _expense_ account, I'd say you've had no _trouble_ putting a value on them."

Dr. Li sniffed. "You can't put a price on national security."

"Can't you? That's _funny_, because according to your latest _invoice_-"

"Why don't I show you my most recent invention?" Li interrupted, focusing on Kevin and 99 while pointedly ignoring the Chief. She picked up what appeared to be a chipmunk made out of metal. "This may be helpful in your current investigation, in case you need to check for traces of the hallucinogen. You simply place a piece of fruit in this compartment," she explained while opening the chipmunk's mouth and inserting a small banana slice, "then press this button," she continued, pressing the chipmunk's nose, "and it will scan the fruit. If the chipmunk's eyes display a green light, the fruit is safe. If they display a red light, then the chemical you're searching for is present." After a few quiet clicks, the eyes glowed green.

The Chief was still grumbling about money, but 99 looked appreciatively at the device as Li handed it to her. "Um," said Kevin, "why does it look like a chipmunk? Can't it just look like a fruit-scanning-thing?"

Letting out a short bark of laughter, Dr. Li scornfully replied, "I wasn't named fourth runner-up for Inventor of the Year by the tri-county chapter of the Asian-American Women in Technology Caucus by making things look like what they actually are!"

"Oh," Kevin said. "Well, I guess that makes sense." He walked over to a nearby table and picked up a fountain pen. "So, what does this do?" he asked.

"It's a pen," Li answered with a frown. "It writes."

Kevin continued to examine the pen, tugging at it in places and twisting the cap around. "No, I mean what does it _really_ do?" After a few more moments of experimental prodding, the pen abruptly shattered in his hands. "Of course!" he exclaimed. "It's, like, a low-level bomb or something, right?"

Dr. Li's face was completely slack as she stared at the pieces with dismay. "No! It...it was a pen."

"But you said you don't make stuff that looks like what it is!"

"I didn't make that! It was a gift from my grandfather upon my graduation from the Inventing College for Inventive Inventors! _It once belonged to Thomas Edison!_"

Kevin gathered the remains of the pen and handed them to the doctor. "Saw-ree."

Seeing the look on Li's face, 99 quickly moved to lead him away. "We really should get started on our investigation. Thanks for the scanner!" she called over her shoulder as she shoved him out of the laboratory.

The duo walked out of CONTROL headquarters and began heading toward Kevin's Jeep. "The most recent report of hallucinogenic fruit came from Governor's Park," 99 said, "so I think we should start there."

"Good thinking," Kevin said as they got into the car. "And if you see any suspicious fruit stands along the way, we'd better stop and investigate." As he drove off, he asked, "Did I ever tell you about my cousin and the cucumber?"

o O o

Soon after, the Jeep pulled up outside Governor's Park. Kevin and a queasy-looking 99 walked inside and approached the hostess podium. Before either could say anything, the hostess walked unsteadily toward them. "Welcome to, uh..." She glanced around in search of some visual cue to remind her of the restaurant's name, then noticed a nearby menu. Snatching it, she peered glassily at it before finally finishing, "...to An 18% Gratuity Will Be Automatically Added to Parties of Eight or More!" Grinning at a job well done, she continued, "Would you prefer to sit at a tooth or a bable?" She frowned, realizing something wasn't right. "I mean, a tooble or a bath?" Giving up at last, she dissolved into giggles as she leaned against the podium for support.

Kevin gasped in horror. "She's been affected by the KAOS fruit!" he shouted.

"Um, Kevin...?" 99 murmured, trying to stay casual.

He turned to address the restaurant patrons. "Everyone, stop eating immediately! I am a government agent and I have reason to suspect that your food has been drugged!"

"Kevin!" 99 said, more loudly this time.

Silverware clattered and voices clamored as the entire restaurant began to panic. Agent 99 tugged urgently on Kevin's arm to get his attention. "What is it, 99?" he finally asked.

"She hasn't had any hallucinogenic fruit," she said, reaching behind the hostess stand and pulling out a coffee mug. She sniffed it and winced. "Only enough vodka to take down a hippo."

"Ah," said Kevin. "So the hostess is...?"

"Drunk."

"And the food?"

"Safe."

"And our cover?"

"Blown."

"Ah," he said again. Then he looked again at the restaurant, now in a complete uproar. Patrons were running out the doors, the manager was hollering into a phone, and distant sirens were growing louder. His eyes widened and he turned to 99. "But now KAOS is sure to find out we're investigating, and they'll be on their guard! Why didn't you try to stop me?"

Rolling her eyes slightly, 99 only said, "We don't have much time, Kevin. We'd better head back to CONTROL to regroup."

Leaving the still-giggling hostess behind, they hurried back to the Jeep and braced themselves to deliver the bad news to the Chief.

o O o

"_What were you thinking?_" the Chief roared. "Announcing you're a government _agent_ in a crowded room? Why not just _call_ KAOS and tell them we're onto them?" He put a preemptive hand over the phone on his desk, just in case Kevin still hadn't figured out sarcasm. His other hand reached into a nearby paper bag to grab another handful of trail mix. He devoured it with a vengeance that made both agents wince.

"I'm sorry, Chief," Kevin said. "I could have sworn she was hallucinating. I mean, you probably would have thought the same thing if you were there!" Despite getting only a glare for his efforts, he bravely soldiered on. "When someone begins to act weird, anyone with half a brain would get suspicious."

The Chief's expression relaxed and he gazed at Kevin in awe. "That's brilliant, 86!"

Kevin stood a little straighter and grinned. "Thanks, Chief! It's all a matter of observation. If you just pay a little attention to the people around you, those subtle changes are totally obvious."

"You're one of the-no! You're _the_ best agent we've got, 86! I don't know what we'd do without you."

"Aww, that's nice of you. As I was saying, the moment anyone does or says anything unusual, you can bet I'll be right on top of it!"

"I hope this isn't too forward, but are you _doing_ anything later tonight? I know this _charming_ little Italian bistro..."

Kevin frowned at the Chief. "Hey, 99, I think there might be something wrong with-"

"On it," replied 99, peering at the scanner in her hands.

"Oh, so you had the same thought I did," Kevin said with a nod. "Chief has to be hallucinating, because he hates Italian food!"

Shaking her head, 99 said, "Actually, I started scanning a sample of his trail mix the moment he called you bril-um, yes. Italian food."

The chipmunk's eyes glowed red and 99 gasped. "It's tainted!" She picked up the paper bag on the desk. "Look! This trail mix contains dried cranberries!"

Kevin pointed to the logo on the bag. "It's a Nutty, Nutty, Nutty World," he read out loud. "The store at the mall! Let's go, 99."

They ran out of the office, leaving the Chief to stare dreamily into space.

o O o

"Welcome to It's a Nutty, Nutty, Nutty World. We're just nuts about nuts. Crunch nuts with your lunch. Buy them by the bunch. Send them to friends far away to munch," recited the teenager behind the counter. His bored tone of voice contrasted sharply with the fake smile plastered on his face.

"We want to speak to the person in charge," Kevin demanded. "Is there a manager or whatever here?"

The teenager's smile immediately vanished as he gestured toward the back room behind the counter. "In there."

Kevin and 99 burst through the door to see a thin man with blond hair and an earnest expression, holding a clipboard as he inventoried the nuts. "Hey! No unauthorized personnel behind the counter!" As the agents pulled guns from their holsters, beads of sweat appeared on his forehead. "Please!" he begged. "Take what you want, but please leave the pistachios; we're down to our last bag!"

"Drop the act," Kevin ordered. "We know this place is a KAOS front, and we're here to shut it down!"

"You mean this isn't a robbery?"

"No, we're placing you under arrest!"

"Great," the manager said, relieved.

"Then you'll cooperate?" 99 asked with hope in her voice.

He chuckled. "Oh, of course not. You're too late to stop KAOS, anyway. The test phase is a complete success, so Phase Two of the plan is about to begin. In exactly one hour, our base of operations will start sending shipments of hallucinogenic fruit all over the world!"

"You're bluffing," Kevin challenged. "If KAOS was at such a crucial moment, then why are you just standing around here, doing inventory?"

The manager snorted. "This is the busy season for nut sales! If I don't take care of this now, it could throw our entire order system out of whack!"

Kevin and 99 exchanged a bewildered look. "Never mind that," she said. "What does KAOS hope to gain from all of this?"

"We will target the leaders and other high-ranking officials of every country with the fruit. Then, once they're all incoherent and erratic, the entire world will be thrown into turmoil. In the meantime, KAOS will be poised to take control!"

"Interesting plan," Kevin remarked. "There's just one tiny flaw in it."

"You mean you think it's got too many convoluted steps, depends entirely on every single world leader eating the fruit at roughly the same time, and fails to take into consideration the fact that most governments could easily withstand having their leaders temporarily incapacitated?"

"No, the problem is that you assume drugs will have a negative impact on them. For all we know, it may just make them more productive and honest!"

Agent 99 added under her breath, "God knows it couldn't possibly make them any _less_ so." Louder, she urged, "We're wasting time!" She turned to the manager. "You told us your base of operations would start sending out fruit in less than an hour. Where is the base?"

The manager laughed. "I may have been willing to tell you the majority of the plot for world domination, but you can bet I'm going to withhold the one detail that you'd actually find useful!"

Both agents cocked their guns. "Now!" demanded Kevin.

He shook his head. "Do your worst! I would gladly sacrifice my life in order to ensure that KAOS triumphs!"

The agents exchanged a worried glance before turning to look at a nearby wall clock as it ticked away what little time remained before the world was consumed by both chaos and KAOS.

Agent 99 pulled Kevin aside. "We can't shoot him," she whispered. "If we do, we'll never find out where the base is."

He nodded. "And he's our only lead. We don't have time for a long interrogation, 99. Our time is almost up!"

"What are we going to _do_?"

"Don't panic," Kevin reassured her. "We just have to think of a way to force him to tell us what he knows. Death threats?"

"Won't work. He's not afraid to die for his cause. Torture?"

"No good. We don't have anything that could inflict that kind of agony."

"You could try telling him that cucumber story," she muttered. "Wait! I've got it!" She pulled the scanner from her purse and stepped in front of the manager, holding it out to show him. "You see this? This is a robotic chipmunk."

Both Kevin and the manager looked at 99 incredulously.

"If you don't cooperate, I'm going to activate it, and then it's going to devour your nuts."

"No!" screamed the manager, diving forward and clinging to her ankles in supplication. "Please don't!"

She looked down in surprise. "I meant the nuts in the bins."

"I know!" he howled, now in tears.

Kevin stepped forward to stand next to 99. "Then you'd better tell us where the base is. Quickly!"

"But if KAOS finds out I betrayed them-"

Agent 99 snatched a handful of trail mix out of a bin and put it in the chipmunk's mouth. Pressing the button on the nose, she waited until the eyes glowed red and held it over the bins. "I've activated the robot. Talk fast, or we'll start with the pistachios!"

"It's inside the Giant Strawberry!" the manager cried out, throwing himself protectively over the bins.

The agents looked at each other. "Jackpot," 99 said, tucking the scanner back into her purse and reaching for a roll of packing tape.

Kevin helped her bind the manager. "It's a good thing Dr. Li included that nut-eating feature on the scanner. I didn't even know about it!"

"She didn't. That was just a ploy to force him to talk," 99 replied as they left the kiosk.

"Ah," said Kevin. "The old 'pretending the fruit scanner is really a robot chipmunk' trick. Works every time."

o O o

They arrived at the Giant Strawberry with less than fifteen minutes left. As they drew near, 99 put a hand on Kevin's arm. "This must be the base," she whispered. "There's a KAOS agent standing guard outside!"

Kevin stopped the Jeep well back from the Giant Strawberry to avoid being seen by the guard. The duo got out and began working their way surreptitiously toward him, hands on guns. As they approached, Kevin was whispering his plan to 99.

"We'll split up and come around from either side behind the Strawberry. You'll pass by first, pretending to be a tourist, and keep his attention on you by asking him a lot of questions. While you've got him talking, I'll slip in behind him and then create a diversion so you can sneak in while he's distracted."

As he spoke, 99 only nodded. Once they reached the Strawberry, she jumped at the guard and slammed the back of her gun into the top of his head. The guard slumped to the ground and she turned to look back at Kevin. "I'm sorry; I didn't catch all of that. Could you repeat it?"

"That...that was pretty much the gist of it," Kevin replied before opening the door to the Strawberry and waving her through.

Inside, they crept down a flight of stairs to an enormous secret underground bunker, where KAOS agents were loading the last of the fruit into trucks for distribution around the world.

"Look!" 99 whispered as they slipped in, unnoticed, and crouched behind one of the trucks. She pointed to a large tank truck full of gasoline, being used to fuel the shipping trucks. "We could destroy the entire shipment if we find a way to ignite that truck!" Seeing Kevin pulling his gun, she quickly added, "Safely!"

Kevin put away his gun and nodded. "Good thinking, 99." They scanned the grounds before he pointed out that gasoline covered a lot of the floor. "I bet we could set some of those larger pools on fire, which would spread to the truck. That would give us just enough time to escape back outside before it explodes. All we have to do is make our way to the truck without getting caught."

A sudden movement drew 99's attention to something behind Kevin. "Oh no."

"Don't tell me they've already spotted us."

"They've already spotted us."

"I asked you not to tell me that!"

"Drop your weapons!" shouted a KAOS guard.

As they stood, they set their guns on the floor and kicked them over to the armed agents now surrounding them. "You made a big mistake coming here," said the KAOS agent in charge of the operation.

"No," countered Kevin, "you made the mistake when you decided to take on CONTROL! You may have our weapons, but we've got a robotic chipmunk that will eat every last bit of fruit in this base. Set it loose, 99!"

Less confident, 99 pulled the chipmunk from her purse. The KAOS agent laughed. "That? That is _obviously_ a fruit scanner. Guards, secure them while we complete our task!"

"Screw it," 99 muttered, knocking out the nearest guard with a whack on the head from the chipmunk. Taking advantage of the momentary confusion, she dove for the guns. Kevin was right behind her as she grabbed them and raced behind a fruit truck amid gunfire.

"Are you all right?" Kevin asked.

"Fine," she replied. "Cover me; I'll try to get to the tank truck."

Kevin fired at the KAOS agents, distracting them while 99 dashed from one fruit truck to the next. A few guards spotted her and started to fire in her direction, but stopped when they realized how close she was getting to the tank truck. Dodging Kevin's shots, several of them began making their way toward her.

Keeping her back to the tank truck, 99 held the guards off with her gun as she reached into a pocket for some matches. She made eye contact with Kevin, nodded toward the exit, then struck a match. It flared and she dropped it into a puddle of gasoline near the tank truck. Next, she yanked the hose from the truck, allowing gas to splash out onto the floor.

The newly spilled gas began to flow toward the flames, and 99 and Kevin ran for the exit. The KAOS agents sized up the situation and followed immediately behind. Everyone poured outside just in time for the explosion, which knocked the Strawberry off its foundation and sent it flying into the sky.

Seeing the KAOS agents beginning to edge away, Kevin leveled his gun at them. "Stop right there! If even one of you rotten apples moves, then I'm going to spoil the whole barrel." He looked over at his partner. "Get it? Rotten apples? Fruit?" She stared blankly at him, and he sighed. "Just confiscate their weapons, 99."

She did so, and Kevin removed one of his shoes. "I'm going to call in CONTROL," he said.

"Good idea, but why did you take off your shoe?"

"I keep my cell phone in there." He pulled a tiny phone out of the toe and punched in a couple of numbers. "Chief? It's 86. We've got everything taken care of, but we'll need you to send some people along to pick up the agents we've arrested." He paused to listen. "No, Chief. I had no idea my eyes were so beautiful...Well, I suppose I do have a charming voice, thanks...Look, I really think it would be best if we kept things professional...All right, fine, we can talk about it over drinks tonight...Your place, I guess...Chief, is there someone else there that I can talk to?"

After finally ensuring they'd get the backup they needed, he disconnected the call. "Boy, Chief is sure going to feel silly when that fruit finally wears off." A smoking orange slice fell from the sky, landing on Kevin's shoulder. He absentmindedly peeled it off his shirt and popped it into his mouth. "I'd hate to be in his shoes!"

Shaking her head in disbelief, 99 only sighed. "Oh, Kevin."

o O o

Thank you to RLobinske for beta-reading.


	3. All Creatures Great and Maul

**All Creatures Great and Maul**

By Kristen Bealer

o O o

CONTROL Agent 86, known to the public as Kevin Thompson, was whistling on his way to headquarters. The sun was shining, a gentle breeze was blowing, and a small brown squirrel was sinking its teeth into his ankle.

"Argh!" Kevin screamed, jumping in place a few times before falling face first onto the sidewalk outside the front doors. Another squirrel scampered over almost immediately, digging its claws into his back. By the time a third had arrived, eyes focused on the agent's left ear, he had recovered enough to stand up and shake off the fluffy-tailed rodents. Hearing the sound of agitated chattering nearby, he ran into CONTROL headquarters and slammed the door behind him before furry reinforcements could arrive.

He raced through the secret entrance before finally bursting into his boss's office. "Chief!" he cried. "You'll never believe—" He stopped short when he saw the Chief of CONTROL sitting at his desk, hand bandaged and tiny scratches and bite marks visible all over his face. "You were attacked by squirrels, too?"

The Chief shook his head. "Rabbits." He motioned for Kevin to sit down. "But we're not alone. At least half a _dozen_ agents have been attacked this week, and all of them by small, normally _nonviolent_ animals."

Kevin tapped his fingers on the Chief's desk. "I bet it's that new soap they put in the bathrooms. I told 99 just the other day that it smells like acorns. She didn't believe me, but now I'm sure of it!"

The Chief shook his head. "It's most _likely_ a KAOS plot," he replied.

"How would KAOS be able to get their hands on our soap?"

"_Forget_ the soap!" The Chief calmed himself before continuing, "I've already got 99 on the case. We have an _inside_ man gathering information on KAOS's activities, and I sent her to meet with him earlier today. She'll be here any _minute_ with news."

"I still think we should switch to Krazy Klean. I use that at home and it smells awesome!"

Kevin was spared the Chief's wrath by the arrival of his partner, Agent 99. "I'm afraid I don't have much to report, Chief," she said. "I had to cut the meeting short."

The Chief instantly looked worried. "Did KAOS track you there?"

She shook her head, looking truly disgusted. "No, I just couldn't stand talking to Agent 24 anymore, that...that...jerk! We agreed to meet at High Hills Park in an hour, but I wanted to bring someone with me for protection."

"Don't worry about a thing, 99," Kevin said with a grin. "I'll make sure you're safe!"

"Me?" she replied with a giggle. "I was talking about him."

o O o

Kevin was careful to check before he left the building, and was relieved to see no squirrels in sight. Even so, he and 99 moved quickly to get into his Jeep and drive to the park. Once there, 99 led him to a designated park bench where they sat down to wait for Agent 24 to meet them.

"The crow flies at midnight," murmured a voice behind them. Both agents turned to see a dark-haired man wearing sunglasses approach.

"The pigeons are at rest," Kevin quickly replied in the same low voice.

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar."

"The eagle has landed," returned Kevin. "Or was it a condor?"

"You were right; it's the eagle," the dark-haired man assured him. "The weather will—"

"We know it's you, Agent 24," 99 groaned in disgust. "I think we can skip the countersigns."

Both Agent 24 and Kevin looked disappointed. "Brian Danielson," the agent said, extended a hand for Kevin to shake. He sat down between the two of them on the bench, allowing his leg to rub against 99's for just a second too long.

"What can you tell us?" she snapped.

"Patience, little lady," he chuckled.

Agent 99's fists began to clench and unclench repeatedly, so Kevin took over. "Do you know if KAOS is behind the animal attacks?"

"All I know so far is that something big is about to go down. The top guys are touchier than a chick with PMS, and they only get like that when they have a major plan in the works. I've heard a few whispers about pet stores, but that's all I've been able to find out."

Through gritted teeth, 99 asked, "Do you at least know when they'll make their next move?"

"Sorry, Sweet Cheeks. It's hard enough keeping KAOS from figuring out I'm a double agent. If I start sniffing around too much, they'll be on me faster than a fat girl on cake. I don't expect you to understand how difficult a real agent's job is, but—"

Agent 99 was only prevented from attacking Brian because about half a dozen opossums emerged from hiding and lunged at him first. She and Kevin could only stare as the agent fell forward off the bench, screaming and flailing at the marsupials.

"Shouldn't we do something?" Kevin asked, rising quickly.

"No," 99 replied, trying to suppress her smirk. After a moment, she added, "Um, because I'm sure he can handle this on his own?"

Kevin nodded, but didn't look convinced. "Okay, but our double agent has blown his cover and we still don't know what KAOS is planning. I need to come up with a new course of action."

"Gahhh! _Getemoffgetemoffgetemoff!_"

Ignoring the shouts of pain, 99 said, "He mentioned pet stores. That's our only lead so far, so we should start with that. There's a pet shop at Cranberry Commons, which isn't too far from here. Let's head there and see what we can find."

"If you don't mind, 99, I'd like to figure this out myself."

"Not there! _Anywhere but there! __**Arghhh!**_"

"Okay," she replied with a shrug.

"He mentioned pet stores. That's our only lead so far, so we should start with that. There's a pet shop at Cranberry Commons, which isn't too far from here. Let's head there and see what we can find."

"Wow! Good thinking, Kevin!"

"_DEAR GOD, WHY WON'T ANYONE HELP ME?_"

o O o

Our Furry and Scaly Friends was closed, even though every other store at the mall was bustling. A sign on the locked gate read, "Closed for a family member's wedding. We apologize for the inconvenience."

"A wedding in the middle of a weekday morning?" Kevin asked, confused. "That seems like a pretty flimsy excuse. Besides, why would every single person who works at the pet store be at the wedding? And not only that—"

"I think the sign being written on paper with a KAOS letterhead might, like, have something to do with it, Kevin," 99 pointed out.

"Yes, I was just getting to that," he said after a short pause. "All right, it looks like we'll have to break in."

Opening her purse, 99 pulled out a case containing a set of lock picks. "Want me to see if I can get the lock open?" she asked.

Kevin shook his head. "I have a better idea. I'll bet you anything that there's some kind of release catch somewhere on this gate for emergencies. If I can just find that, we'll get this gate open in no time!"

As Kevin painstakingly scanned every inch of the gate, 99 looked at him, then at the gate, and finally at her lock picks. Shrugging, she opened the case and got to work.

After a few minutes, Kevin gave a triumphant whistle as the gate slid upward. Agent 99 hastily shoved the lock picks back into her purse and tried to look innocent. "Nice work, Kevin!"

"Thanks, 99. It was hidden really well, but I found it eventually." He frowned. "In fact, I'm _still_ not sure exactly where—"

"Quick, we'd better get inside before we draw too much attention to ourselves!"

The agents slipped into the pet store, sliding the gate closed behind them. Kevin peered briefly at it before 99 pulled him away. Immediately after they entered, a cacophony of noise erupted around them. Canaries were screeching, puppies were snarling, gerbils were...squeaking, but in a very threatening manner. Only the boa constrictor looked unperturbed as it lazily coiled around itself in its cage, but the agents felt unsettled by the excessive interest with which it eyed them.

"Over here, 99," Kevin said, voice raised to be heard over the enraged animals. "It looks like some kind of schedule."

Edging nervously around a tank full of very agitated goldfish, 99 joined him at the store counter. "'4:00 – Change bedding in gerbil cage. 4:15 – Water for Maria and Pedro. 4:30 – Transport animals to PF,'" she read out loud. "PF? Who's PF?"

"I don't know," Kevin admitted, wincing at the noise, "but whoever they are, I hope they've got earplugs."

"Keep looking," 99 suggested. "I'm sure we're getting close, and if we can find anything that explains what KAOS is up to—"

"Oh, I don't think I can allow that," a voice interrupted. Both agents looked up to see a middle-aged man with a nametag reading "Mr. Matthews" calmly pulling the gate closed behind him. Kevin immediately reached for his gun, but Matthews pressed a button on a small remote, which was followed by a "bzzzt" sound as the lid to the boa constrictor's cage slid open. "Joanna, the gun!" he called out. The snake lazily slithered partially out of the cage and wrapped itself around Kevin's hand, squeezing until he dropped his weapon. It clattered onto the floor a few feet away.

Before 99 could reach for her own gun, Matthews clicked his tongue reproachfully and shook his head. He had his hand on the canaries' cage, prepared to open it. "Both of you just stay where you are, or else I'll have to open this cage." The mild and friendly expression on his face changed instantly to one of malice. "Have you ever seen Hitchcock's _The Birds_? That was nothing compared to what these lovely creatures will do if I release them."

Kevin and 99 looked at the super-aggressive canaries, all flapping and screeching, and decided to take his word for it. "How did you know we were here?" asked 99, nervously twirling a lock of blond hair around her finger.

"Even if the silent alarm hadn't let me know," Matthews answered, holding up the remote to reveal a flashing red light, "I could hear the animals from the Food Court."

"The wedding was in the Food Court?" Kevin asked. "Was it at the corn dog stand?"

Matthews rolled his eyes. "There was no wedding, you idiot. I was meeting with one of my contacts from KAOS."

"At the corn dog stand?"

"Never mind, Kevin," 99 said before looking back at Matthews. "So we were right; this is a KAOS front! And you're a KAOS agent!"

He shook his head. "Oh, no. I'm just an ordinary pet store owner. I have a contract with KAOS to obtain, store, and transport animals for them. They pay me very well and they always take very good care of the animals. Aside from turning them into vicious killing machines, of course." Seeing that Kevin had started to edge toward his dropped gun, he tightened his grip on the canary cage. "I'm sure I can get this cage open long before you can get your hands on that gun," he warned.

"Maybe, but what you don't know is that right now, CONTROL is sending fifty of its most highly-trained agents, armed to the teeth, to this very location. Can you believe it? Fifty agents!"

Matthews frowned. "I find that very hard to believe."

"Would you believe a dozen so-so agents with slingshots?"

"I don't think so."

"How about the janitor, and he's got a bucket of very soapy hot water?"

Matthews shook his head. Kevin decided he was out of options and dove for the gun. Immediately, Matthews released the canaries, which streamed out of their cage and began pecking at Kevin and 99's faces. After futilely swatting at them with their arms, the agents finally gave up and resorted to crouching on the floor with their arms protecting their heads.

Satisfied that the two had been subdued, Matthews gave an odd bird call and the canaries returned to their cages, with the exception of one which had apparently flown into an air vent. "Travis, Jr., no!" Matthews groaned sadly. He quickly confiscated the guns and bound the agents' arms before leading them out a back door and into the back of a delivery truck.

After a short drive, the van doors opened again and they emerged, blinking in the bright daylight, to see their doom spelled out in bright neon letters.

**PIZZA FOREST**

Kevin and 99 were ushered into the restaurant, followed closely by Matthews. Another cacophony assaulted their ears as they entered, but this time it was singing rather than the aggressive cries of murderous animals.

The singing was worse.

"The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round! The wheels on the bus go round and round, all through the town!" The overly-chirpy employees would have been annoying enough on their own, but they were joined by any number of off-key singers, bored mumblers, and shrieking children.

"Wow, so KAOS is not just teaching animals to attack, but also to talk and sing?" Kevin asked in wonder.

"Um, I think the singers are just people in costume," 99 explained.

"And those costumes also protect the agents from any attacks while they train the animals," Matthews added as he moved them along into a back room, "which makes this place ideal for a base of operations."

An armed guard stepped forward as they entered the back room, but relaxed as he recognized Matthews. "Tell your boss I found two CONTROL agents poking around my store," Matthews informed him. "I'm sure he'll want to handle this personally." The guard nodded and hurried away.

"Now's our best chance," Kevin told 99 as quietly as possible. "If we don't act soon, there's no way we'll get out of here." Although 99 nodded slightly in reply, she looked worried. "Don't worry; I have a brilliant escape plan." Now she looked even more worried.

Kevin turned to Matthews. "What on earth is that?" he cried. Matthews turned to look, and Kevin hit him in the jaw with a solid right hook.

As Matthews slumped to the floor, unconscious, 99 stared in disbelief. "_That_ was your brilliant escape plan?"

"It worked, didn't it?"

She had no response to that.

Slipping through a side door, the pair ducked quickly out of sight to avoid being seen by another KAOS guard in the next room. "We've got to find a way out of here without being seen!" 99 whispered. "And we can't risk going back out into the restaurant!"

"Or maybe we can!" Kevin whispered back as he opened a closet door and looked inside. "Check out these animal costumes. It's the perfect opportunity. We can disguise ourselves as singing animals and infilate—infitler—spy on KAOS without them finding out!"

"Do you really think it will work?" 99 asked nervously.

"Of course it will! It's foolproof!"

o O o

"B-G-I-N-O! B-O-G-I-N! N-G-O-B-I! And Bingo was his name-o!"

Not for the first time, 99 winced inside her costume. Kevin's off-key singing was bad enough, but in the past half hour he'd managed to give Old MacDonald a barking cow, mash "Baa Baa Black Sheep" and "Mary Had a Little Lamb" together into some kind of strange remix version, and point to all of the wrong body parts during "Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes." Fortunately, most of the kids weren't paying attention and the adults were trying their best to tune them out.

In between songs, 99 got Kevin's attention and pointed toward the back room. "I don't think we're going to learn anything out here. We need to get back there. KAOS probably thinks we're long gone by now, anyway."

Kevin nodded, or at least the oversized gopher head he was wearing did, and they made their way to the back of the restaurant. Walking nonchalantly, they were able to move unbothered through the restricted areas until they reached a door labeled "Warning! Training in Progress!"

"A warning sign? I didn't realize the employee training was so dangerous here," Kevin said in surprise. "I mean, it's just singing. How hard can that be?"

"For you or for a normal person?" 99 muttered under her breath. Out loud, she said, "I bet it means the animals, not the employees. This must be where they train them to attack CONTROL agents!"

Carefully opening the door, they walked inside and found the room empty. Cages lined the walls, but the animals inside didn't respond to the agents in costume.

"Look!" 99 said, pointing out an open ledger. "They've written down the times and places they intend to attack our agents! And there are even code words that will stop the animals!"

"Good work, 99!" Kevin replied. "With this, we'll be able to defend ourselves and maybe even take down the KAOS agents responsible!"

"Hey!" yelled a voice behind them. They looked up to see a giant raccoon with a "Manager" nametag clipped to his costume. "We aren't doing any training today. We're understaffed as it is, and we've got a birthday party in half an hour!"

"No problem," Kevin replied immediately. The manager hesitated on his way out the door, and 99 made motions at Kevin to be quiet. "What is it?" he asked her. The manager took a step back in their direction, his large raccoon eyes now turned towards Kevin.

"Don't talk!" 99 hissed at him. "He doesn't recognize your voice!"

"Speak up," Kevin replied at normal volume. "I can't understand you when you whisper like that."

"Shhhh!" she said, one finger of her oversized glove pressed to her plastic mouth.

Kevin shrugged and pulled off his animal head. "What?"

Startled, the manager leaped over to a wall and slammed his hand down on a button. Instantly a computerized voice called from unseen speakers, "Intruders! Intruders! Intruders!" Kevin and 99 could hear footsteps pounding nearby, growing louder.

Matthews burst in and saw them instantly. "Take off the costumes!" he demanded. As armed KAOS agents poured into the room, Kevin and 99 complied. As soon as the animals saw them out of their disguises, a flood of barking and hissing and growling exploded into the room. "You won't get away this time!" he told them with a triumphant smirk. "Every KAOS agent in the building has his gun pointed straight at you, but we won't need them to dispose of you two!" He pressed another button and the cages all swung open, allowing the animals to bound out and charge toward the defenseless CONTROL agents.

"Eep!" cried 99, her voice hitting an even higher pitch than usual. Many of the animals stopped short, causing the others to bump into each other.

As the pack started to recover, Kevin turned to his partner. "Do that again!" he urged. "That squeak!"

"_What_ squeak?" 99 exclaimed in confusion. Once again, the animals fell into confusion.

"Keep going! Your voice is stopping them from attacking!"

"Ohhh!" 99 replied in a normal tone, then raised her voice to correct herself, "I mean, _oh_!"

All of the animals were fully disoriented and running in random directions as 99 continued to speak in excited tones. Barely stopping for breath, she recited the Pledge of Allegiance, ran through as many celebrity names as she could think of, and made it through the first verse of "Stayin' Alive" by the Bee Gees before the animals finally panicked and turned on the KAOS guards.

"Hurry!" Kevin said, grabbing a panting 99 by the arm and pulling her out of the room. They each picked up a gun, dropped by the guards during the attack, before slamming the door shut behind them.

As the screams and growls faded inside the room, Kevin called out, "All right, everybody, stay right where you are! If anyone tries to leave that room, we'll open fire!" He turned to 99. "You cover the door; I'll go call the Chief for back-up and then get back out to the restaurant."

"The restaurant? Why?" she asked, setting off another flurry of activity inside the training room.

"Didn't you hear the manager? There's a birthday party coming in less than half an hour!"

o O o

Thank you to RLobinske for beta-reading.


	4. I Spy with My Extra Eye

**I Spy, with My Extra Eye**

By Kristen Bealer

* * *

o O o

* * *

Kevin Thompson, CONTROL agent number 86, first noticed something strange was going on when the girl behind the cash register at Drugs N' Stuff winked at him. That in itself was not unusual, of course. As a suave, confident professional who always exuded an aura of superior intellect right up until he opened his mouth to speak, Kevin was accustomed to women flirting with him regularly.

What he was not accustomed to, however, was seeing anyone wink with two out of three of their eyes.

"Wow, that's incredible!" he cried. "Juicy Joes are four for a dollar? Oh, and there's something on your face."

The cashier put a hand to her extra eye, centered neatly in the middle of her forehead. "You mean it's noticeable?" she asked with dismay.

Kevin glanced up briefly from the candy in his hand. "What? Oh, the eye. Yeah, it's cool."

She shoved his change across the counter and dissolved into tears that only fell from her two lower eyes. The other continued to stare blankly at Kevin, who stared blankly back at it until he realized he was going to be late for work.

"See ya later!" he called as walked to the door. "Get it? See? Eye?" The still-sobbing cashier didn't react, so he shrugged and left.

o O o

"Chief?" Kevin asked as he entered the office of the Chief of CONTROL. "People usually have two eyes, right?"

The Chief sighed. "This _again_? Look, we've been _over_ this. We even came up with that little _song_ to help you remember. It goes, 'I've got two _eyes_, I've got one _nose_, I've got two _ears_, I've got ten _toes_-'"

"-The song's great and all, Chief, but this morning I saw this chick with three eyes! Is there a song about that?"

"Ah," said the Chief. "You must have seen one of KAOS's latest _victims_."

Kevin gasped. "You mean KAOS has started giving people extra eyes? That's...um...well, actually that sounds kind of useful, really."

The Chief shook his head. "First of all, the extra eye was presumably _fake_ and therefore _useless_. Second, KAOS has started-"

"Um, Chief? If we're going to talk about KAOS, don't you think we should use that Cone of Silence thingy?"

"You seem to have _forgotten_ that I destroyed the Cone of Silence the _last_ time we used it."

"Oh, yeah," Kevin said, remembering. "I never saw anyone pick up an office desk and throw it before." The Chief was twitching slightly at the memory, so Kevin barged onward. "Then what about that new anti-eaves...anti-evedrop...anti-KAOS-listening-in-device Dr. Li put together?"

"I don't know," the Chief said slowly. "It hasn't been _tested_ yet."

"Then this is the perfect time!" Without waiting for a reply, Kevin reached over and flipped a small switch on the Chief's desk. Immediately, the chorus of Chumbawamba's "Tub Thumping" blasted through the room on a repeating loop.

**"I get knocked down, but I get up again! You're never going to keep me down!"**

"I love this song!" Kevin exclaimed.

The Chief, a pained look on his face, leaned forward. "What?"

**"I get knocked down, but I get up again! You're never going to keep me down!"**

Kevin stepped closer to the Chief and shouted, "I said I love this song!"

"Still didn't _catch_ that!"

**"I get knocked down, but I get up again! You're never going to keep me down!"**

Moving to stand directly in front of the Chief, Kevin placed his hands on the Chief's shoulders and leaned in so his mouth was directly next to the Chief's ear to bellow, "_I SAID_-"

The door to the office opened and Kevin's partner, Agent 99, walked in. She saw them, stopped dead, turned around, and walked out again, closing the door behind her.

**"I get knocked down, but I get-"**

The Chief pounded the switch with his fist and the room was silent. Soon after, a polite knock sounded on the door.

"Come in," called the Chief wearily.

The door opened once again and 99 stepped through. "Hi!" she chirped. Her expression was extra-cheerful to make clear that she wanted no explanation of the bizarre scene she'd just witnessed.

"Sorry about that, Chief," Kevin said. "Okay, maybe we better not use the anti-evergreen device for now. So what's KAOS up to this time?"

"People have been turning up with all _kinds_ of strange physical _deformities_. Misshapen noses, gigantic ears, hideous warts, distorted chins, you _name_ it. While we can't figure out what KAOS's _angle_ is, we know that they're _behind_ it. I need you two to look into this and see what you can find _out_."

"Sure thing, Chief!" 99 said. "Any leads?"

"We _suspect_ that KAOS has enlisted the help of someone named Dr. _Shar_, and is using her facility to kidnap people, drug them, and alter their appearances. I _suggest_ you check it out."

Agent 99 nodded, but Kevin held up a hand. "Hey, what do you think of this for a new song?" He began singing, to the tune of "Tub Thumping," "Some have two eyes, but some have three of them! Most have two ears, unless they're missing one!"

The Chief growled, "I suggest you check it out _right now_."

o O o

Kevin and 99 arrived at Dr. Shar's Swan Shoppe soon after, and Kevin was still humming as they got out of the car. Rolling her eyes, 99 ignored him and made her way to the door of the clinic.

Even though the door was unlocked and they were entering during the clinic's posted open hours, the entire place was empty and silent. The pair crept quietly through the front office and into the darkened consulting room beyond, just in time to see a blond woman with an unnaturally tight face slipping through a back door.

"Stop her!" Kevin called unnecessarily to 99. Before either could start forward, however, 99 cried out in pain as something slammed into the back of her head, followed quickly by more objects. Kevin began to turn but immediately found himself bombarded as well. Although the projectiles were soft, they were also very heavy and slammed into their bodies with enough force to knock the wind out of them. They fell to the ground under the barrage. When the attack ceased, they recovered only to find the room empty.

Kevin sprang for the door but saw no one outside-their suspect had escaped and the mysterious assailant was also gone.

Agent 99 turned on a light and went to investigate the projectiles, strewn by the dozens around the room. She picked one up and examined it. "It's like a beanbag made of Jell-O," she said, squeezing it slightly.

"There's a whole crate of them over here," Kevin said. He read the label on the crate out loud: "'Dr. Shar's Pre-Implant Temporary Bust Augmentations. For evaluation purposes only.'" He looked at his partner. "What does that mean?"

"They're fake breasts," she said, tossing aside the one she'd been holding.

"Oh," Kevin replied, then brightened. "Oh!" He stared thoughtfully into the crate for a few moments before turning back to 99. He looked at the discarded lump of silicon and then at 99's ample chest. "Hey, that reminds me of a question I wanted to ask you."

"Yes?" Her voice was frosty, with a sharp edge to it.

"I was wondering if..."

"_Yes?_" Not only had the tone dropped to sub-zero temperatures, you could also cut diamonds with it.

"I just wanted to know if you..."

At this point, 99 simply stared at him with hard eyes that held the promise of pain if he wasn't extremely careful with his words.

Kevin was silent for a short time, then cleared his throat. "I was going to ask if you thought maybe we needed some back-up on this case?"

Agent 99 relaxed her gaze and nodded her agreement. "I think that was a very _wise_ question."

o O o

The Chief hunched wearily over his desk as Kevin and 99 explained their failure at the clinic. "I was _afraid_ something like this would happen," he said when they had finished, "so I called in an _elite_ team just in case." He pressed an intercom button and said, "Please send in the special agents."

The door opened and four women walked in. Their clothes were stylish, their hair was immaculate, their makeup was picture-perfect, and their expressions were overflowing with disdain.

"Oh, is that who those people were that we passed on the way in?" Kevin asked. "I thought you got a lot of new receptionists!"

The apparent leader of the group sniffed and tossed her hair over her shoulder. "Receptionists? Puh-lease. With looks like ours, do you really think we'd waste our time behind desks?"

Kevin hazarded a guess. "Yes?"

As she glared at him, the Chief stood and gestured toward the newcomers. "I'd like you to meet our _specialists_," he said, and pointed to each in turn as he added, "Sandi, Agent 924; Quinn, Agent 955; Stacy, Agent 940; and Tiffany, Agent 902."

"Known collectively as 'The Fashion Team,'" explained Quinn.

"Nice to meet you!" said 99 in a cheerful voice.

The Fashion Team, as one, looked 99 up and down briefly before sharing meaningful looks and smirks with each other. "What an...interesting...outfit," Stacy said with a giggle.

Kevin saw 99's eyes narrow and he quickly put a hand on her arm. "Don't!" he said nervously.

"Riiight," Tiffany said. "A _fashion_ don't."

While letting her fingers play along the holster of her gun, 99 turned to the Chief. "Isn't there someone else we can work with instead?"

The Chief shrugged apologetically at her. "I'm afraid they're our foremost _experts_ on all issues related to appearance-including cosmetic _surgery_."

"Not that we've ever, like, done that, of course!" Stacy interjected quickly.

"Unlike some," Sandi drawled, glancing sideways at 99.

Agent 99's hand was on the handle of her gun before Kevin could even speak. "Think of, um, the paperwork?" he whispered desperately to her. She gritted her teeth, but released her hold on the weapon.

"All right," she said after a few deep breaths, "but I expect everyone to act like professionals on this case. This is serious, understand?"

Sandi nodded curtly. "Of course. When attractiveness is on the line, there's _nothing more important_."

o O o

"I thought you said you were going to take this investigation seriously!"

Sandi shot 99 yet another haughty look and asked, "What makes you think we aren't?"

"For one thing, we're hanging out at the mall!"

Tiffany nodded and said, "Yeeeaahhh?"

Quinn gave 99 a weary smile and slowly explained, "Dr. Shar-before she teamed up with KAOS-built her career entirely on making people look as appealing as possible. Therefore, in addition to her skills as a surgeon, she would have needed to know a great deal about clothing, make-up, hair, and about a million other things. That means she would have spent a lot of time seeking and purchasing those items. This mall is _the_ place to go in this area for all of that, so it's only logical that the people here might have knowledge about her whereabouts, or at least access to some kind of useful information."

"So, as you can see, we're here strictly on CONTROL business," Sandi concluded firmly.

"Ooooh, look! Half price on makeup!" Stacy cried.

As the Fashion Team gathered excitedly around the makeup counter at Cashman's, Kevin and 99 exchanged a glance. "Well," 99 pointed out, "at least they've stopped critiquing my clothes."

Kevin nodded, relieved. "I guess we should start gathering information."

"Okay. I'll head over to the salon and see if they know anything about Dr. Shar."

"I'm gonna check out the ingerie section!"

"Kevin!" Agent 99 frowned slightly. "I'm not sure that's a good idea."

"Aww, man! Why not?"

"Don't you think that might look a little...strange?"

"Whoa! I'm not going to try any on," he said, quietly adding, "this time."

She sighed. "Why don't you see what you can find out right here?" Gesturing toward the still-distracted Fashion Team, she remarked, "Besides, someone should probably keep an eye on them."

Kevin reluctantly nodded in agreement and the two separated. Trying to keep a safe distance between himself and the inane chatter emanating from the makeup counter, Kevin drifted through the nearby aisles as he looked for a store employee he could question. As far as he could tell, most of them had been driven away by the snide remarks and shrill exclamations of the Fashion Team.

After a few minutes of wandering, he heard a woman in the next aisle say, "Can I interest you in some pore refiner?"

He stealthily rounded an eyelash curler display and peered into the aisle from behind it. He was just in time to see a customer give the employee a meaningful look and quietly reply, "No, but do you have any renifer erop?"

The employee's demeanor abruptly changed from friendly to serious, and after a quick glance around she pulled out a key, unlocked a nearby door marked "Staff Only!" and ushered the "customer" inside. Kevin ducked back behind the eyelash curler display before she turned around.

"That sounded like some kind of password," he murmured. He looked in the direction 99 had gone, wondering if he should go find her before taking any action. "But I might be too late for whatever's going on back there!" he whispered to himself. Then he looked at the Fashion Team, still gathered at the makeup counter. He quickly shook his head. "What would the Chief do?" he wondered out loud.

The thought gave him a little more confidence and, ignoring the strange looks he was getting from curious passersby who were watching him mumble to himself, he approached the employee.

"Can I interest you in some pore refiner?"

"_No_, but do _you_ have any _ren_ifer e_rop_?" he barked at her in his best impersonation of the Chief. She was somewhat taken aback, but nodded briskly and unlocked the door for him. "_Thank_ you!" he bellowed as he entered.

The door shut behind him, and Kevin found himself in an ordinary-looking hallway. He wondered briefly why something so mundane would require so much secrecy, then heard hushed voices coming from behind a door at the end of the hall. He crept closer to it, finally putting his ear next to the door and straining to hear what was being said.

He heard the words "facial reconstruction" and "distorted aesthetic," but as he hadn't brought a dictionary with him he decided to wait. Finally, he heard the word "KAOS" and began to suspect that he was in the right place. His gun in hand, he took a few steps back, turned slightly so his shoulder would bear the brunt of the impact, and ran forward to slam against the door...

...which banged open instantly, since it was not only unlocked, but slightly ajar. Kevin fell into the room, sprawling face first onto the floor.

"Er...freeze!" he yelled, scrambling to his feet. "You're all under arrest!"

A woman-he recognized her from the brief glimpse he'd had of her at the clinic-stood abruptly from her seat at a table, as did several people he assumed were KAOS agents. The smile she gave him was a disturbing one, due in part to her surgically-enhanced facial features but also because of the total lack of concern she displayed.

Before Kevin could wonder why that was, he felt the muzzle of a gun press into the side of his neck.

"Guess again," said a voice next to him.

Kevin slowly turned his head to see a slender young woman with long brown hair and a bandage over her nose. She pulled his gun out of his unresisting hand. "I'll take care of this," she said to the blond woman without taking her cold eyes away from him. "You head back to the base and I'll meet you there once I've dealt with him."

"Good work, Brooke," the woman with the unnatural face said as she led the others out of the room. As soon as they were gone, Kevin desperately tried the first distraction he could come up with.

"Hey, Big Nose!" He swung his arm up in hopes of knocking away her arm and stopping her from aiming the gun at him. Unfortunately, Brooke bellowed with rage at the insult and lashed out with her foot, knocking his legs out from under him. He found himself on the floor again, this time facing up...and looking straight at the gun she now aimed right between his eyes.

"Listen, Brooke," he stammered. "I, uh, hope I wasn't out of line with that crack about your nose."

Her eyes narrowed and he could see her finger tightening on the trigger. He could only close his eyes and wait to hear the gunshot.

_Hissssss!_

Kevin opened his eyes again to see Brooke stagger backward, arms pressed against her face. He could smell something in the air, but it took him a few moments to identify it. "Hairspray?" he asked in confusion.

"Extra Super Hold Hair Tyrant 3000," Sandi said, stepping forward with a smirk on her face. She held up the aerosol can. "_Waif_'s number one most highly recommended brand."

Brooke began to recover from the spray she'd taken to the face, but Stacy moved quickly behind her and pressed the tip of a metal nail file to her throat. "Drop the guns!" she ordered. Brooke quickly let go of both her gun and Kevin's, which Quinn immediately retrieved.

"Oh, Kevin!" 99 exclaimed as she hurried forward and helped him to his feet. "I'm so glad you're okay!"

"Thanks to all of you!" he replied as Tiffany began to bind Brooke's hands with several decorative neck scarves. "Good thing you thought to gather some supplies first!"

"Actually, this is all stuff we bought before we noticed you were missing," Quinn said. "Would you believe those scarves were two for a dollar?"

"I find that very hard to believe," Kevin said.

"Can we not do this now?" 99 asked. "We've got a suspect to interrogate."

"Right!" Kevin turned his attention to Brooke. "Where is the base?" he demanded.

"I can't tell you! If I do, Dr. Shar will..." She shuddered as a few tears fell.

"If you cooperate, CONTROL can put you in protective custody. They won't let her kill you."

"Kill me? Who cares about that? If I betray Dr. Shar, she'll...she'll..." Breaking out into sobs, she finished, "...she'll stop giving me collagen injections!"

"We don't have time for this!" exclaimed 99. She drew her gun and pointed it at Brooke. "Tell us what we want to know!"

In spite of the tears streaming down her cheeks, Brooke stared defiantly back in silence.

"If we have to, we'll take you to CONTROL headquarters and get the information from you by force," Kevin threatened.

Brooke spat at his feet.

"Like, tell us where they went or we will make you over with last season's look," Sandi said quietly, examining her fingernails. "And we will _totally_ use non-washable makeup."

"Give me a pen," Brooke said, shaken. "I'll write down the directions."

By the time Brooke had finished telling them where the base was located, several CONTROL agents had arrived to take her into custody.

"Hey, 99," Kevin asked as they prepared to leave. "How did you guys figure out where I was?"

She giggled. "We put it together when we heard a bunch of customers talking about a strange man who was talking to himself and then yelling random things at an employee. That was a good idea-making yourself conspicuous without blowing your cover as a secret agent!"

"Um, yeah," Kevin replied. "That was...um...totally on purpose!"

o O o

"Are you sure this is the place?" Stacy asked doubtfully as they stood outside a nondescript office building.

"Well, it's not like they write 'SECRET KAOS LAIR' in big letters on the front of all their locations, do they?" 99 replied.

"Hey, you think we could talk them into doing that?" Kevin asked. "Because that would be really helpful."

She ignored him. "Let's move."

The agents entered the building together and found themselves inside a typical office lobby. A bored receptionist waited at a desk. "Leave this to me," Kevin muttered to the others as he approached. "I'm a master of persuasion."

"Yes?" asked the receptionist, barely looking up from her magazine.

"Good day!" Kevin said in a cheerful yet stilted manner. "My associates and I are here for an important meeting and while it may not be on the official schedule I can assure you that we're here on vital business that can't wait for confirmation from-"

"In there," the receptionist interrupted, jerking a thumb at a door next to the desk. She resumed her reading, taking no further notice of the group.

"See?" Kevin told them. "Smooth."

The agents went through the door into a completely dark room. As they moved around in search of a light switch, a loud click sounded from the door they entered through and the lights switched on immediately after. They turned to see the blond woman from the clinic and the mall standing there with a gun.

"I had a feeling Brooke would screw it up," she said with a roll of her eyes. "Looks like Dr. Shar is going to lose one of her most loyal patients."

"Wait," 99 said. "You mean you aren't Dr. Shar?"

"Dr. Shar is upstairs, busy with our latest victim," replied the woman. "I'm Val."

All six CONTROL agents stared at her in confusion.

"As in Val?"

They all shook their heads.

She huffed at them. "Fine. I'm the KAOS agent blocking the only exit from the room and I'm holding a gun with six bullets." Gesturing with the gun at each of them in turn, she added, "Am I important enough for you now?"

Kevin looked at 99, who looked back at him with wide eyes and mouthed "Stall her!" at him.

"So, um, Val," he began, "why are-"

"Oooh! Do you want to hear about my plans?" she asked eagerly. "Because it's, like, completely awesome and jiggy and so, _so_ Val!"

"...Okay."

"All right, so I've decided that this season's hottest trend is going to be distorted facial features. It's going into my magazine-you know, _Val_ magazine?-and it's going to be the most seriously edgy thing ever!"

"But what does that have to do with KAOS?" he asked, noticing that 99 was starting to edge closer to Val.

Val waved off his question. "It's, like, stage one of KAOS's overall plot to take control of the mass media and use it to manipulate the public. This is the test run, and it was all totally my idea!" Suddenly she swung her arm around to point the gun at 99. "Stop that, missy! I mean, sneaking up on me while I'm trying to talk is bumming me out, okay?"

Shoulders slumped, 99 backed away and looked desperately at Kevin.

Val resumed. "So, anyway. Once this phase of the plan works-and it will because I'm brilliant-then it'll pave the way for all kinds of wacky trends like mixing plaids and stripes, wearing live animals as hats, and surrendering all free will to the might of KAOS!"

In the stunned silence that followed, it was Tiffany who spoke first.

"_No_."

Val sneered. "Oh, yeah, right. Like you'll be able to stop KAOS from taking its rightful place as ruler of the world. Especially after I shoot you-oh! I really should get to that soon!"

"Not that part." Stacy shook her head seriously. "The plaids with stripes and the animal hats part. That's _wrong_."

"So?" Val frowned, which gave her face an even eerier aspect. "People will do what I tell them to do, because I will be the supreme authority on what's hot and what's not!"

Sandi snorted. "You? Why would anyone listen to you?" She gestured at Val's feet. "Those shoes are, like, from two seasons ago."

"And your roots are showing," Quinn added.

"No way!" Val countered, but she self-consciously put a hand to her hair.

Stacy chimed in, "And then there's the whole issue of your cuticles!"

"Dryyyy skiiiiin," Tiffany drawled.

"Shut up!" shrieked Val. "I look awesome and young and edgy!"

"In that outfit?" Sandi asked. "_Please_."

Stacy tilted her head. "When was the last time you tweezed your eyebrows?"

"Stop!" Val wailed, squeezing her eyes shut and lowering her hands-as well as her gun.

"Now!" cried 99. She and Kevin both sprang forward, knocking Val to the ground and wrestling the gun from her grasp. Val didn't resist, now too stunned by the Fashion Team's onslaught to act.

"You're finished, Val!" Kevin said, keeping his own weapon trained on the KAOS agent.

"Spliiiit eeeends," Tiffany added.

"Thank you, Tiffany, but that's no longer necessary," Sandi told her.

"Whaaat?" Tiffany scowled. "She _doooeees_ have split eeends."

They heard shouting outside the room, and 99 opened the door to see a team of CONTROL agents entering the building. Weapons drawn, several of the agents stormed through the building in search of suspects while the agent in charge barked orders. The few people present who were not part of the KAOS organization quickly fled. The receptionist turned another page in her magazine.

"Where are our agents?" the CONTROL team leader shouted at her. "Tell me where they're being held!"

Without looking up, she waved a hand at the door where 99 was standing. "In there."

"We're fine," 99 assured him as he entered. "The ringleader is here, and Dr. Shar is somewhere in the building. I'm sure you'll find her soon enough."

"We'll finish up here," the leader replied. "You head back to HQ and check in with the Chief."

"Another good day's work," Kevin said with a grin. "The danger is past and we can finally rest easy!"

Behind him, Tiffany said, "Faaake booooobs."

Realizing she was no longer talking to Val, Kevin looked at the leader with panic in his eyes. "You should probably tell your agents to fall back. Now."

* * *

o O o

* * *

Thank you to RLobinske for beta-reading.


	5. Hacking into the Antisocial Network

**Hacking into the Antisocial Network**

by Kristen Bealer

o O o

"Grrr...graaa..._RAAAWRRRRR!_"

As Kevin Thompson, CONTROL Agent 86, approached the Chief's office door, he froze. He'd heard his boss roar like that plenty of times, but usually it was when Kevin was on the other side of the door. Nervous about facing an angry Chief but also curious about what non-Kevin thing could have made him that angry, he opened the door and walked in.

He found the Chief glaring intensely at his computer screen, muscles tense and eye nearly coming out of its socket. "You _stupid_ piece of _useless_ garbage, I don't even _know_ why I keep you _around_! All you ever do is _aggravate_ me and make my life _unbearable_!"

Kevin blinked at the all-too-familiar insults. _Maybe the Chief just decided to get a head start on yelling at me today_, he thought. Then he noticed that the Chief hadn't even looked at him yet, and was scowling even more fiercely at the computer.

"Something wrong, Chief?" Kevin asked cautiously.

The Chief's gaze immediately snapped toward Kevin, who actually took a step back at the heated glare. After a moment, the Chief took a deep breath and calmed down. Slightly. "I'm afraid _so_, Agent 86. It would _appear_ that CONTROL's entire _network_ has been hacked. Signs and countersigns have been _changed_ by unknown parties, sensitive information has been _accessed_, and _I can't log on to Facebook_!"

"Wow, Chief," said Kevin, who had understood about half of what he'd just been told. "Is it one of those virus thingies? One time I went to one of those sites where the girls-I mean, I was looking for boring stuff and accidentally typed in the wrong web site-and my computer, like, went crazy on me."

Shaking his head, the Chief replied, "Unfortunately, these _issues_ appear to be targeting CONTROL's most highly-classified _files_ and other top-secret information, which points _directly_ to KAOS involvement. This is a cyber-attack, not a mere _virus_."

"Whoa." Kevin still wasn't following all of what his boss said, but he'd gotten enough to know KAOS was doing bad things again. Which meant he needed to act.

"The _only_ thing so far that doesn't fit," continued the Chief, "is that we've been getting _shipments_ of Yoo-Hoo by the crate load all _day_."

"Oh..." The mention of Yoo-Hoo made Kevin stop and think for a moment.

The Chief, not paying attention, tapped his chin thoughtfully. "This could be a _clue_, in fact."

"Chief, I think I should-"

"I _suspect_ that whoever is behind this may be some kind of _prankster_, which could prove to be a _weakness_."

"Actually, you might want to-"

"If we can find some way to take _advantage_ of the hacker's odd sense of humor, perhaps draw him or her into some kind of _trap_, then maybe-"

"-Yo!"

Startled, the Chief ended his train of thought and looked at Kevin. "_What_?" he demanded.

"That Yoo-Hoo? That was, uh, kind of because of me. I found this place online where you can order it really, really cheap, but it turns out you have to buy a whole lot of it. See, I thought I was buying one bottle, but it turns out I read the thing wrong and I guess-"

The Chief held up a hand and let out a shuddering sigh. "Never _mind_, Agent 86. It was a nice lead while it _lasted_. At any rate, I'm _assigning_ this case to you and-"

"Aieeee!" came a high-pitched shriek from the other side of the Chief's office door. Moments later, the door opened and Agent 99, Kevin's partner, entered. "I don't believe this!" she cried, waving her smartphone in the air.

"Problem?" Kevin asked unnecessarily.

"Ugh, _yes!_" 99 squeaked. "This stupid thing is driving me crazy!" She gave the smartphone an extra shake for emphasis. "It's my e-mail. The whole thing has gone nuts!"

The Chief and Kevin exchanged worried looks. "You're having _issues_ with your e-mail?" the Chief asked. "Your _personal_ e-mail?"

"Yeah," 99 replied, turning off the device in disgust. "I don't know what the deal is, but something weird is going on with it."

The Chief leaned back in his chair and frowned. "This is even _more_ serious than I _thought_. Even our agents' _private_ e-mails and devices have been _targeted_ by this KAOS plot."

"KAOS is behind this?" 99 squeaked in horror. "But...why?" She frowned at her phone. "Why would KAOS be trying to sell me discount drugs or pretend to be from eBay or offer to enlarge my-"

"-Uh,99?" Kevin interrupted, "that's all just spam. Everybody gets those."

"Oh." She shrugged. "Well, I did think it was a little weird that their spies would pretend to be from Nigeria."

"All the _same_," the Chief said, "we're certain that _KAOS_ has been hacking into our systems, and we need to _stop_ them before any more damage is done. _Unfortunately_, our top tech people haven't been able to block their _attempts_, so it's up to you two to track down the _culprits_ and stop them."

"But, Chief," 99 protested. "We don't even know where to start! They could be anywhere!"

"That's true, 99," the Chief admitted, "but we do have a _possible_ lead. It's a long shot, but we need _you_ to investigate the most _depraved_, amoral, notorious, disgusting, _antisocial_ place in town. It's-"

"Oh, the cyber café?" Kevin asked. "No problem."

"_Prepare_ yourselves," the Chief warned. "When you go to .com, you'll be _surrounded_ by freaks and misfits of every _kind_. Remorseless hackers, obsessive _fanboys_, and even-" he shuddered, "-_bloggers_. You'll be facing the _bottom_ of the social barrel."

Kevin grinned as he turned to leave with his partner. "And...loving it."

o O o

The two CONTROL agents tried to enter the cyber café inconspicuously, but 99's appearance was too conspicuous to miss. Several of the café patrons' heads swiveled as they walked by, but no one was brave enough to do more than stare. Kevin received several jealous glances, which flew right over his head as he glanced at a nearby computer screen.

"Hey, look!" he exclaimed to his partner. "See the cute face that kitten is making? That's adorable! Oh, and somebody put a caption on it. Ha! Genius!"

"Kevin," 99 whispered urgently. "We're here to investigate a KAOS plot. Don't get sidetracked, okay?"

"Saw-ree." Kevin assumed his most serious face for about three seconds before dissolving into giggles. "Did you see the video over there? That guy fell down!"

"That's great, Kevin," 99 replied with a sigh. She was feeling more and more uncomfortable by the second as the other people in the café continued to stare at her with varying degrees of creepiness. As Kevin stared entranced at a nearby computer screen, she began looking around the room for clues.

After a few minutes of searching, she noticed a list of familiar names sticking out of a garbage can. She pulled it out and realized that it was a list of CONTROL agents. She turned the list over and gasped. "Kevin," she said quietly, "I found this list written on the back of a flyer for Mr. Fun's Exciting World of Games. It could be a lead!"

"Yeah, that's great," Kevin replied absently while reading over someone's shoulder. "Hey, did you know there's _Ratboy_ fanfic?"

"Let's _go_, Kevin," 99 growled, dragging him out of the café and back to civilization.

o O o

As they pulled into the parking lot at Mr. Fun's Exciting World of Games, 99 put away her phone. "I updated the Chief on what we found. He says we've already got a CONTROL contact here."

"Whoa!" Kevin replied. "You mean CONTROL already suspected the arcade might have something to do with this and sent an agent before we even arrived?"

"Not...exactly."

They walked into the arcade and 99 pointed toward a set of virtual reality machines. "There he is!" she squeaked. "Agent 207."

The attendant looked up as they approached. "We need to talk to that guy," Kevin told him. "Any chance you can, like, pull the plug or whatever?"

The attendant rolled his eyes. "Wish I could. He's been in there for over three hours."

"Wait," 99 said. "Maybe we should join him in the game. He may be following up some clues, and it could be more secure than talking openly in a public place."

The attendant shrugged and handed them some VR gear. "Go nuts."

The two agents hurried into the gear and were soon dropped into the middle of a not-very-realistic-looking fantasy world. "Oh, cool!" Kevin exclaimed, waving his hands in front of his face. "It's like we're really...uh, wherever we are."

"It's a jungle," 99 said, sounding far less impressed. "And it's not very realistic. I mean, those leaves are so blocky, and the birds look really fake, and those shouts-oh, wait. Those are real."

"Let's go!" Kevin said, excited in part because they were getting closer to solving the case but mostly because he wanted to see more of the virtual reality game. He ran off in the direction of the shouting, and 99 shrugged and followed behind.

They arrived to find one man squaring off against several foes. As they watched, the man grabbed one by the shoulders and threw him against another, knocking them both off balance. As they fell, the man jumped at a third, kicking him square in the chest and using the momentum to hurl himself at the fourth and final opponent.

"Should we do something?" Kevin asked 99.

"I...don't know," she replied, mesmerized by the brilliant tactics used by the fighting man.

The man looked up from his fight and waved. "Hello!" he greeted them, just before ducking behind one of his opponents and snapping his neck. Seeing the agents' startled reactions, he explained, "Don't worry; they're computer-generated characters." He finished off the rest of them quickly, then approached Kevin and 99.

"Are you Agent 207?" 99 asked him.

"Why, yes I am!" he replied with a pleased smile. "But most people call me Ted. And who might you be?"

"We're your contacts from CONTROL," she said, confused. "Didn't the Chief brief you on this before he sent you here?"

"I deeply apologize," was Ted's sincere reply, "but I haven't heard from the Chief in days."

"Then...why are you here?" Kevin asked in surprise.

"To practice my hand-to-hand combat skills! It's an ideal environment for experimenting with new techniques. Also, it's incredibly enjoyable." He looked curiously at them. "Is something important going on?"

Kevin and 99 just stared at him in shock. At last, they took turns explaining the situation. Just as 99 was telling him about the flyer she'd found in the cyber café, a new group of fighters came into view.

"Ah," Ted said cheerfully. "I guess the game is still going. Give me just a minute and I'll take care of these pixilated villains-"

"AIIIEEEEEEE!" Without warning, 99 leapt at the closest opponent and knocked him down. Whirling quickly, she attacked the next one and had incapacitated him in seconds. As she kicked the third, sending him reeling into unconsciousness, the remaining fighters turned and ran away.

"How odd," Ted remarked. "I've never seen computer-generated combatants retreat before!"

"Wow," 99 breathed excitedly. "This game _is_ fun!"

Seeing another band of enemies coming their way, Kevin stepped forward. "Don't worry," he told his companions, "I've got this one." He crouched down, shouting, "Eat dirt, you pixie ladder loser!" He then sprang forward at the first one...and landed face-first on the ground, missing him by several feet. He got to his feet quickly, brushing himself off. "Listen, buddy," he said to the befuddled opponent, "I, uh, hope I wasn't out of line with that crack about the pixie ladder."

As he prepared to resume his attack, Ted and 99 moved in front of him. Working smoothly together, they took apart the group without any apparent effort.

"Uh, good job, guys," Kevin said. "Teamwork and stuff! Yeah! We all really kicked their asses!"

Ted and 99 exchanged a quick look, but before either could respond, she pointed toward something in the distance. "Hey! There's another one!"

She started toward the figure, but Ted stopped her. "Wait! That's not one of the usual computer-generated characters. I think that's another player!" He turned to the other agents. "Did you bring back-up?"

They shook their heads. "Not one of our guys," Kevin said, "and whoever it is, they're getting away!"

The person had started running in the opposite direction, and all three CONTROL agents immediately began running after him. Just as they were closing in on him, though, the figure suddenly vanished from the game.

"Drat!" Ted cried, deeply disappointed in his failure.

"It must have been a KAOS agent," 99 said.

Kevin nodded. "They're on to us!"

Sighing, 99 turned to her partner. "I think we're at a dead end," she said. "We better head back to HQ and regroup."

"Sure," Kevin agreed. He looked at Ted. "Coming?"

Ted fidgeted a little, looking eagerly around at the game setting. "I...think I should stay here," he replied slowly. "To, er, look for clues! And in case that KAOS agent comes back!"

"Uh huh," 99 said doubtfully as she and Kevin prepared to exit the game.

Once back in the real world, the two agents quickly shed their gear. The attendant jerked a thumb at Ted, still blissfully playing. "Is he gonna quit, too?"

"Sorry, man," Kevin told him. "I don't think he's ever coming out."

As they left the arcade, 99 whispered, "When does he eat and sleep?"

Kevin shrugged. "Or go to the, you know...little agent's room?"

She wrinkled her nose. "I don't want to know the answer to that one."

o O o

They arrived back at CONTROL headquarters to find the place in complete turmoil. Many agents were running frantically through the hallways, shouting incoherently at each other, while a few simply sat in corners, rocking back and forth with vacant looks on their faces.

"KAOS must have done something really bad to cause this kind of panic," Kevin remarked to the Chief. "Did they get one of our super-secret weapons? Hack into security and knock out all our defenses?"

The Chief, even more stressed out than normal, shook his head. "Even _worse_. We can't check our _e-mail_!"

Eyes wide, 99 gasped. "Oh, _no_!" Her hand flew to her smartphone and she began jabbing buttons as quickly as she could. She sighed in relief. "Whew! My online issue of _Waif_ is here!"

"_Wait_," the Chief said in confusion. "Your e-mail is still _functioning_?"

"Yeah!" She smiled, still reading. "And shoulder holsters are in this season! This day just keeps getting more awesome!" She continuing going through her inbox. "Hey, that's weird."

"What's up?" Kevin asked.

"I got a really strange message from somebody I don't know. They say 'Don't worry about getting hacked; I've pulled a few strings and you'll be perfectly safe. I'll see you around! Your secret admirer.'" She gasped. "Oh, _wow_!"

"Indeed," the Chief said. "This is our biggest _lead_ yet! With a little _luck_, we'll be able to _follow_ it to-"

"I have a secret admirer!" 99 squealed, hopping up and down while clapping her hands with excitement.

The Chief sighed. "That's great, but could we _possibly_ focus on the _case_?"

"Uh, right." She assumed a serious face, but continued bouncing in place.

"So what's next?" Kevin asked.

"I'm going to have our _tech_ people take a look at the e-mail," the Chief began. "They _might_ be able to trace it back to the _source_, and from there we can track down the _person_ who sent it. It could take some _time_, though. Clearly whoever sent that e-mail is incredibly computer-_savvy_, so it goes without saying that they _must_ have covered their tracks to _prevent_ us from-"

"Chief?" 99 interrupted.

He sighed. "Yes, 99?"

"I just wanted to mention that their e-mail address is bobby_stuart . Do you think that might be helpful?"

The Chief froze. After a moment, he closed his eyes. "...Yes, 99. I think that might be helpful."

"Oooh, I bet I can figure it out," Kevin said.

"I'll _take_ that bet," the Chief muttered to himself.

Kevin peered at the screen, concentration evident on his face. "Let's see...e-mail address...it was sent from...hmmm..."

Tilting her head, 99 suggested, "I think it might be someone named Bobby Stuart who works at Le Grand Hotel!"

Annoyed, Kevin replied, "If you don't mind, 99, I'd like to figure this out myself." He stared at the screen again, and at last snapped his fingers. "I've got it! I think it might be someone named Bobby Stuart who works at Le Grand Hotel!"

"Good job!" 99 cheered.

"Get _out_ of my office," the Chief ordered them both.

o O o

"Remember," Kevin told 99 as they got out of his Jeep at Le Grand Hotel, "our cover story is that we're newlyweds on our honeymoon."

"In Lawndale?" 99 asked, uncertain.

"Hey, we've got that big strawberry!" Kevin replied defensively as they walked toward the front doors. "Anyway, our names are-"

"Welcome to Le Grand-_Agent 99_?!" The bellboy who had come out to greet them froze when he saw 99. He looked like he didn't know whether to run away or kiss her, so he decided to faint instead.

"Well, so much for that cover," Kevin complained. "Hey, that guy looks kind of familiar."

Tilting her head, 99 stared at the unconscious man and thought for a moment. "You know, I think that might be the guy we saw in the game earlier today!" She gasped. "It must be Bobby Stuart!"

Kevin nodded. "I think you might be right. Do you know what this means?"

"Yes!" she cried. "I found my secret admirer!"

The pair took Bobby back to CONTROL headquarters, and the interrogation began as soon as he regained consciousness.

"Eep!" he cried out when he saw where he was. "Please don't hurt me! I'm just a bellboy!"

"Nice try," Kevin snapped at him, making his best scary face, "but we already know you're a KAOS agent."

"No, they just hired me to hack into your system. I'll give you a free hotel upgrade if you let me go!" he begged.

"Gee, maybe he's telling the truth!" 99 remarked. "He's kinda scared for a KAOS agent."

Bobby noticed her there for the first time and his demeanor abruptly changed. "Oh! It's a pleasure to meet you." He smiled winningly at her. "Listen, have you ever been to C'est La Veal? It's almost impossible to get a reservation, but I happen to know the owner and-"

"Hey!" Kevin slammed both fists onto the table in front of him. "This is supposed to be an interjection, not a singles bar!"

Looking back at him, Bobby remembered where he was and froze in terror.

"Now tell us," Kevin yelled in his face. "Tell us everything you know about KAOS's plans!"

Bobby tried to reply, but all that came out was a strangled squeak.

Sighing, 99 stepped in front of Kevin. "Bobby," she said cheerfully, "you like to help me with stuff, like keeping me from being hacked, right?"

Calming down instantly, Bobby replied, "Absolutely! Anything you need, anything at all!"

"So, like, let's say I wanted to know who hired you to hack into CONTROL's systems...?"

"Noah Barkman," Bobby said without hesitation. "He's the president of Buzzdome."

"Dome?" Kevin asked eagerly. "Is this gonna be about football?"

"No," Bobby said calmly, his eyes still on 99. "It's an Internet startup."

"Internet starting lineup?"

"No, Kevin," 99 corrected. "It's like a company that does online stuff!"

Bobby nodded his agreement.

"Ohhhh," Kevin said. "So it's going to be about those funny videos and cat pictures!"

"Um...okay," 99 said with a shrug.

o O o

Leaving Bobby in CONTROL custody, Kevin and 99 made their way quickly to Buzzdome's headquarters. "By now KAOS has probably figured out that we're on their trail," Kevin told 99 as they approached the building.

"That's true," 99 replied. "They'll be on their guard, so disguises and cover stories won't work. We'll just have to tackle them head-on!"

Kevin looked at her in surprise. "Tackle? So this _is_ gonna be about football!"

She chose to simply ignore him.

They tried the door and were surprised to find it unlocked even though all of the windows were dark. Sneaking quietly inside, they found the building consisted of a single, open-plan workspace that therefore offered very few hiding places. Even so, both agents had the unsettling feeling that they were being watched.

Kevin waved 99 toward one side of the room while he crept along the other side. Without warning, a thin woman with short red hair and braces on her wrists leapt out at 99. Taken by surprise, 99 was tackled before she could react and the other woman was able to get the upper hand quickly.

As Kevin moved toward them to help his partner, another woman-this one with long dark hair in a ponytail-stepped out to block his path. "You incompetent numbskull!" she shrieked at him. "Did you really think we wouldn't be able to deduce your next move and prepare for it?"

"Yes?" Kevin replied hesitantly, not fully understanding the question. "Er...no?"

She rolled her eyes in disgust. "You are easily the dumbest secret agent I have ever met!"

Before Kevin could ask if she was related to the Chief, she dove at him and kicked his legs out from under him.

"Not even the most inexperienced rookie would be this easy to anticipate." She continued her tirade alongside a variety of attacks, both of which were intended to keep Kevin off-balance and distracted.

Across the room, he heard an unfamiliar voice cry out, "Nooo! My carpal tunnel!"

Peering past his opponent, he could just make out 99 swatting the attacker with her own wrist braces. He was brought sharply back to his own dilemma with a sudden slap across the face. "Imbecile! Did CONTROL recruit you from some kind of remedial class?"

"Naw," Kevin replied cheerfully. "I just kept applying and showing up at HQ until they finally gave in and let me have a job!"

Now it was her turn to be caught off-balance and distracted. She quickly recovered and renewed the assault. "Are you really too stupid to realize when you're being insulted?"

"Nope," Kevin said with a grin. "Wait...is this one of those times?"

"Argh!" she roared, cheeks red with anger. "No one could possibly be this ignorant. Is this some kind of trick?"

Out of the corner of his eye, Kevin saw that 99 had defeated her first opponent and was now facing off against an Asian man with a lock of hair over his forehead. He turned his full attention back to his own foe in time to see her spring toward him, arms outstretched and bellowing with rage. He started to counterattack, but only managed to trip over his own shoes and land in a heap on the floor-which she sailed over on her way to crashing into the nearest wall.

"Saw-ree," he said, offering her a hand to help her up. She refused the offer, and as Kevin looked at her more closely he realized that it was because she had knocked herself unconscious.

Shrugging his shoulders, he turned back toward 99 and found his path blocked by a dark-haired man with a mustache. "Geez," Kevin complained. "KAOS must hand out overtime like it's candy or something, and yet the Chief gets all uptight if I punch out five minutes late!"

Kevin braced himself for another attack, but the man suddenly dropped to the floor. Standing behind him was 99, holding a large inflatable plant with a very solid metal base.

"Ah," he said approvingly, "the old 'knock 'em out with a giant inflatable palm tree' trick!"

Before he could say anything else, 99 pointed a finger toward the entrance. "Quick! He's getting away!"

Kevin whirled around in time to see a man with spiky white hair and tinted glasses bolt for the door. Reacting quickly, he bounded after him and knocked him to the ground, pinning him there.

"Wait!" the man cried. "We can cut a deal! Let me go and with my help CONTROL can become so plugged in even the digerati will be impressed! I've got the massive e-vision you need to optimize your web presence, and my bleeding edge killer apps will diversify your synergy. We'll shift some paradigms and increase your visibility in the marketplace-"

"I've heard enough!" 99 squeaked.

"So you'll work with me?" the man asked hopefully.

"No!" she cried. "I just don't have the slightest clue what you're talking about!"

The man deflated and when he spoke again, he had dropped the confident demeanor. "Fine, I'll talk. My name is Noah Barkman, and Buzzdome is just a cover for my work as a KAOS agent."

"So you're the one who's behind all of the hacking?" Kevin asked.

Noah shook his head. "I'm just a subordinate." Seeing two quizzical faces looking back at him, he sighed. "I work for someone higher up. The person you're really looking for is-"

He never got a chance to say the name, though, because at that moment he clutched his throat, gasped a few times, and collapsed on the floor, motionless.

Kevin leaned in. "Uh, do you think he's okay?"

After checking for a pulse, 99 put her ear to Noah's chest and listened for a short time before shaking her head. "No heartbeat. Hey, what's this?" She pulled a small bag from one of his jacket pockets and looked inside. "Chocolate-covered coffee beans." She sniffed the bag and gasped. "Poisoned!"

Kevin groaned. "Don't tell me KAOS killed him before he could lead us to the mastermind behind the whole plot!"

She looked sadly back at him. "KAOS killed him before he could lead us to the mastermind behind the whole plot."

"I asked you not to tell me that!"

o O o

Taking the other Buzzdome employees into custody, Kevin and 99 returned to CONTROL to explain the situation to the Chief.

"So the _bad_ news is that Barkman _died_ before he could tell you the _identity_ of the person pulling the _strings_ at KAOS."

"Yeah," Kevin admitted, "but the good news is that CONTROL can finally get on the Internet again!"

The Chief shook his head. "Actually, that's _also_ the bad news."

"What?" 99 squeaked in horror. "You mean our network is still compromised?"

"Not at all," the Chief reassured her. "On the _contrary_. The Internet is up and _running_...and productivity has taken a _nosedive_."

Kevin shrugged. "Still, it was mostly a successful mission. But there's one thing I've gotta take care of before this case is closed."

"Finding the criminal genius who's running things from the shadows?" 99 asked.

"Nope. I've gotta find that Ratboy fanfic website!"

o O o

Thank you to RLobinske for beta-reading.


End file.
